Thanks Kierkegaard

The word angst was introduced into English from Danish angst via existentialist Søren Kierkegaard. It is used in English to describe an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety, or inner turmoil.

I've got a boatload of angst and seemingly no way to get rid of it.  Suggestions?

Every Thing IS Bigger In Tex-Ass

Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market found footage of  My Sweet 16

Random Thoughts By FanStacia

Usually when I have these random thought moments I start off thinking about something important.  Unfortunately it always morphs into something absolutely ridiculous.  Much like today.  So, I'm laying on my couch thinking about important stuff then I wondered, in my head not out loud because only crazy people do that, what kind of weapon would I be most effective with during the zombie apocalypse?  I had images of me dancing around like Johnny Depp in Pirates using a wicked awesome sword.  And then I decided I wanted a giant double headed ax that was all decked out with jewels and stuff.  But then I realized that my upper body strength is seriously lacking so if I could even lift either of those, I'd maybe get in one whack and be done for.

So then I thought...FanStacia, you need to stick with your strengths. And then it was just easy.  These are my zombie apocalypse weapon.

I like shoes.  I have great legs.  And I like kicking people.  They're perfect.  

Okay...maybe they're a bit ostentatious, but I'm sure I could pull them together nicely with some bangle bracelets and a pair of conservation studs.

After I figured it out, I imagined Lamb Chop and I sparring.  I was very stealth and cool giving her a couple of precise round houses to the throat while she jumped around making noises like on The Three Stooges trying to jab me in the eye with a spork.  She's totally lucky we're on the same team. :)

I suck

I am terrible at making plans.  I am always the one that has to cancel or ask folks to move things, and then something else comes up and I have to ask them to change things again.  I know this about myself, so what I finally learned to do was tell everyone to make the plans, and then I will find a way to be there.  It's so much easier than giving you little pockets of time that I may be able to make something work.  And even if I do that, by the time you finally pick a time, something else has already come up.  So we are back to square one and I feel like shit.

So with that in mind, the one thing that will make me want to gouge your eyes out with a fork covered in hot sauce is asking me "What time works for you"?  I realize that people are just trying to be nice and accommodating, but you have no idea how much that pisses me off.  And I know that it's TOTALLY a problem in my brain, but I still want to kill you for asking.

If it's our first time making plans together, I usually try really, really hard to not give in to the urge to blind you with a dirty fork, but I'll be honest, I make no promises.

If you and I have made plans together before, and you know my preferred style is to just be given a day and time, and you still ask when I am free, this is your fair warning that I WILL KILL YOU.  I will kill everyone and everything that you care about first, and make you watch, then I will kill you.  It will all be done with that Tapatio covered fork.

Before you tell me that I am being unreasonable, I know that.  Save your breath for the screaming you will be doing when I pluck your eyeballs out like cocktail onions. 

Random Thoughts by Fanstacia

I've been thinking a lot today about feelings.  I think feelings are stupid.  I really do.  And apparently feeling that feelings are stupid makes me a weird girl.  So then I started to think that being a girl kind of blows.  We get periods.  We get child birth.  We get stretch marks.  We have to make dinner.  Then I thought penises are waaaay cooler than vaginas.  They are all..."Hey...look at me.  I'm hanging here.  I can swing side to side.  I can swing back and forth.  I can do the helicopter.  I don't ever get bloody or smell like a hamster cage."   And I thought...MAN!!!  Penis totally beats vagina.  What can vagina do?  Then it hit me...

Vagina swallows penis.  WHOLE!!!

WE WIN SUCKAS!!!


I love being a girl.



PS...this is the kind of thing I think about while I fold laundry.

Bicycle...bicycle....

My prayers have been answered. Lamby is gonna start riding and today we get her hooked up. I will soon be the second most heinous threat to the general public. HUZZAH!! And there will be pix.

We're sorry to inform you but...

I have spent the last dayish building a banner for this blog.  Because we are women of exquisite taste, it had to be perfect.  I thought it might be fun to share some of the images that didn't quite make the cut.

Exhibit one...For obvious reasons...Duh...the butt doesn't produce semen.  Maybe it catches it from time to time, but that does not a demon make.

 Exhibit two...  I just don't get it that's why.  I see that those are a womans eyes.  I get that this person is saying "I'm watching you.  I'll catch you if you lie to me"  But come on...no ones eyelashes look like that without extensions.  Isn't that a deception in and of itself?  Practice what you preach creepy eyeball on your back lady.

Exhibit three...  Is it a threat?  Is it a warning?  I don't know.  My advice would be to buy some high quality toilet paper.  Maybe some moist towelettes.  Keep it clean.  I think that will keep a lot of peeps safe.

Exhibit four...  Someone needs to shoot this woman.  Between the eyes.  With a high caliber gun.  Just put her out of her misery.

Exhibit five...and my personal favorite.  I sing  "there's a smile on every aisle" every time I see it. I bet he was even able to price match this bad boy.

I'm sorry to inform the proud owners of these lovely tats that theirs just didn't have what it takes to properly represent us and how seriously we take our shit slinging.  Better luck next time.   

When Lamb Chop gets a puppy

I realized this morning that there are three phrases that I utter more than any others lately and all three are startling examples of how far my vocabulary has devolved. Since all three of them involve the puppy, and they will make much more sense in context, I will now share these phrases with you in the "open letter to the puppy" format.

The first is "Go Potty". This is said in a very high pitched voice, with much excitement. Think jr. high cheerleader. "Go potty, go potty, rah rah rah!" I hate myself every time I say this.

It's 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning. I am in pajamas with my hair all messed up. I am probably barefoot and have to pee myself because your completely psychotic 'let me out of the crate' dance scared me into tending to your needs before mine. I really can't afford to have to re-break your leg, so I rush to your crate and let you out, take the cone off of you and leash you up. Out we go to the front yard. You know what I want you to do. You know you need to do it, you've been in the crate for 8 hours. But you also know that as soon as you DO pee that we are going back in the house. So you draw it out, you little fucker. Quit smelling the leaves. Quit trying to eat my jasmine shrubs. Quit picking up those freaky looking things that the magnolia tree drops. Don't look at the house, cars, me. JUST PEE. I haven't had coffee. I have no bra on and I am hoping to goodness that the neighbors don't come outside and see me, half awake and looking like hell repeating my early morning mantra of "Go potty. GO Potty. GO POTTY DAMN IT!"

A side note on the possibility that you are going to re-break your leg - if it happens again you won't be going to the nice 24 hour animal emergency center with MRI machines and orthopedic surgeons. You're going down the street to Santos' Oil Change, Tire Center and Pet Care. Seriously, think about that before you act all stupid.

The next phrase that I resent having to say is "Eat your crunchies!" Again, high pitched, teenage girl-like.

You've now wasted 20 minutes eating leaves and fucking around in the front yard. My feet are wet, and itchy thank to my grass allergy, I am still not fully awake and I need to hurry up and take a shower so I can go to my thankless job to pay for all your vet bills and food. But I can't starve you, so now we need to go through the ritual of you actually eating the food I have provided. I start in early with my "Eat your crunchies!!" hoping that if I get excited enough about them, then you will too, and you'll just eat them. I really don't need you to pick one up and fling it across the room, then chase it, pounce on it (careful with that leg pup, Santos is ready for you) and fling it again. Just eat it. Please. I know you like it. You make sure to scarf up a whole bowl of it in 3 seconds when people are over. Are you trying to make them think that I don't feed you? Just sit down in front of the bowl, put your face in the bowl and for the love of all that is good EAT YOUR CRUNCHIES!!

This last one is a recent addition to the child-like vocabulary you've reduced me to. I am embarrassed to even talk about it, but since you can't stop I will have to add "put your junk away" to the list.

I have never had a male puppy before. Or a male human child. I am aware that you have a penis. Apparently I knew this before you did because the last few days you seem mesmerized by it. You can't keep it in and you do disturbing things to it when it's out. I will give you credit for your flexibility and creativity. Bravo puppy, bravo. But do you have to run around the living room with your junk flopping around? And if that IS necessary, is it also necessary that every 20 seconds you stop and re-discover it? Each time you seem surprised that it's there. I think sometimes you think it's attacking you because you appear to be trying to gnaw it off of yourself. I don't think you want to do that. And I don't know what Santos will do if you do gnaw through a portion of it. Here's a good idea, "put your junk away". I am not going to put it away for you and it can't stay out. Doesn't it get dirt all over it when you are romping around with it just hanging? It's part of nature, I know, but I don't let any of the other males in the household run around with their junk out, so please, for all of us, "put your junk away". I know I don't say this one with the same high-pitched excitement that I do the others. I figure at this point I shouldn't excite you...any more than you already seem to be.

So please, puppy, go potty when I ask, eat your crunchies and for the love of God, put your junk away.

I like cake and cock

And cakes that have cocks.

It's all downhill from here

Nothing good can come from this.  


Oh shit, we are really doing this.

Is this thing on????????

Testing

Screw you sluts.