When Lamb Chop gets a puppy

I realized this morning that there are three phrases that I utter more than any others lately and all three are startling examples of how far my vocabulary has devolved. Since all three of them involve the puppy, and they will make much more sense in context, I will now share these phrases with you in the "open letter to the puppy" format.

The first is "Go Potty". This is said in a very high pitched voice, with much excitement. Think jr. high cheerleader. "Go potty, go potty, rah rah rah!" I hate myself every time I say this.

It's 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning. I am in pajamas with my hair all messed up. I am probably barefoot and have to pee myself because your completely psychotic 'let me out of the crate' dance scared me into tending to your needs before mine. I really can't afford to have to re-break your leg, so I rush to your crate and let you out, take the cone off of you and leash you up. Out we go to the front yard. You know what I want you to do. You know you need to do it, you've been in the crate for 8 hours. But you also know that as soon as you DO pee that we are going back in the house. So you draw it out, you little fucker. Quit smelling the leaves. Quit trying to eat my jasmine shrubs. Quit picking up those freaky looking things that the magnolia tree drops. Don't look at the house, cars, me. JUST PEE. I haven't had coffee. I have no bra on and I am hoping to goodness that the neighbors don't come outside and see me, half awake and looking like hell repeating my early morning mantra of "Go potty. GO Potty. GO POTTY DAMN IT!"

A side note on the possibility that you are going to re-break your leg - if it happens again you won't be going to the nice 24 hour animal emergency center with MRI machines and orthopedic surgeons. You're going down the street to Santos' Oil Change, Tire Center and Pet Care. Seriously, think about that before you act all stupid.

The next phrase that I resent having to say is "Eat your crunchies!" Again, high pitched, teenage girl-like.

You've now wasted 20 minutes eating leaves and fucking around in the front yard. My feet are wet, and itchy thank to my grass allergy, I am still not fully awake and I need to hurry up and take a shower so I can go to my thankless job to pay for all your vet bills and food. But I can't starve you, so now we need to go through the ritual of you actually eating the food I have provided. I start in early with my "Eat your crunchies!!" hoping that if I get excited enough about them, then you will too, and you'll just eat them. I really don't need you to pick one up and fling it across the room, then chase it, pounce on it (careful with that leg pup, Santos is ready for you) and fling it again. Just eat it. Please. I know you like it. You make sure to scarf up a whole bowl of it in 3 seconds when people are over. Are you trying to make them think that I don't feed you? Just sit down in front of the bowl, put your face in the bowl and for the love of all that is good EAT YOUR CRUNCHIES!!

This last one is a recent addition to the child-like vocabulary you've reduced me to. I am embarrassed to even talk about it, but since you can't stop I will have to add "put your junk away" to the list.

I have never had a male puppy before. Or a male human child. I am aware that you have a penis. Apparently I knew this before you did because the last few days you seem mesmerized by it. You can't keep it in and you do disturbing things to it when it's out. I will give you credit for your flexibility and creativity. Bravo puppy, bravo. But do you have to run around the living room with your junk flopping around? And if that IS necessary, is it also necessary that every 20 seconds you stop and re-discover it? Each time you seem surprised that it's there. I think sometimes you think it's attacking you because you appear to be trying to gnaw it off of yourself. I don't think you want to do that. And I don't know what Santos will do if you do gnaw through a portion of it. Here's a good idea, "put your junk away". I am not going to put it away for you and it can't stay out. Doesn't it get dirt all over it when you are romping around with it just hanging? It's part of nature, I know, but I don't let any of the other males in the household run around with their junk out, so please, for all of us, "put your junk away". I know I don't say this one with the same high-pitched excitement that I do the others. I figure at this point I shouldn't excite you...any more than you already seem to be.

So please, puppy, go potty when I ask, eat your crunchies and for the love of God, put your junk away.